When your wife is upset with you, do you respond in this way? If so, this may explain why some issues will not go away.
You remember the conversation clearly and know you were not raising your voice or even angry. You simply made a comment that was intended to be constructive and helpful. Yet, somehow your wife is upset with you again. While you are certainly sorry that your evening ended on such an unfortunate note, you are confident that her accusations of insensitivity and rudeness are unfounded. You are indeed so sure of this that it is clear to you there is no further need to discuss it.
How many times has this happened to you? If you are frequently confronted by the hurt feelings of your wife, perhaps it is time to examine the source of her frustration. You will be happy to know that it may not be an error or mistake on your part. That being said, does it actually matter?
It is possible that you could interact with any of a dozen people who would in no way find the comments and actions that bother your wife offensive or rude. Understand that this carries no weight with her whatsoever. Also consider that perhaps it should have little influence on your opinion of the matter either. When you are relating with your wife, she is the sole recipient of what you say and what you do. Decide whether or not it is important to you how these things make her feel. If it is not important, then read no further. If her feelings do matter to you, work with her to understand what she has been trying to tell you.
Consider the last time the two of you were at odds concerning either your actions or words toward her. At the time, you may have felt she was overreacting. In truth, your feelings are the only ones you can accurately gauge. It is impossible for you to know what she feels or how strongly she feels it until you ask her to explain. However, asking for the explanation is meaningless unless you follow that with genuinely listening to what she has to say in response.
Assuming that your wife is willing to be forthright with you concerning the reason she is upset, there are several responses that you must avoid. Do not respond by diminishing her feelings. Responses such as, "get some perspective," "you're making something out of nothing," or "that wouldn't bother me," have no place in this conversation. It is not of great importance that you understand why it upsets her at this point. Your concentration should be on the fact that it simply does. Again, if you care about her feelings, you are going to have faith that she is telling you her honest perspective. Remember that her perspective is the only reality she has. Just as your perspective is the only one you possess.
It is not necessary that you change your perspective to match hers. Simply understand and respect the fact that she can not change her perspective to match yours either. This is what you are expecting her to do when you want her to ignore actions or statements that hurt her. You are asking her to not be bothered by issues that would not bother you. This is no more feasible than your wife asking you to be hurt by the same things that hurt her.
In the simplest terms, this entire exercise is nothing more than you making a decision to respect and acknowledge the individuality of your wife's personality and needs. Whether you understand them or even agree with them is secondary. Lovingly acknowledging her emotional needs by giving consideration to how you interact with her is all she really needs.
Also read, Never Quite Good Enough.
