What Does Your Love Language Say?
Different Emotional Languages Cause Problems with Communication
May 8, 2008
Each of us has a ‘love language’ – the unique way you express your love for a special person. At the same time, your love language shows the other person your emotional needs that must be met to make you happy in the relationship.
The concept of the Love Language was developed by the internationally respected marriage and family life expert, Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book, The Five Love Languages.
He describes the five different ways we express love and want to receive it as:
- Quality time together
- Physical touch
- Gifts
- Acts of service
- Words of affirmation
The problem for couples is that very often each partner is not really clear about his own love language, and often doesn't understands his partner’s language, says Australian relationship counsellor, Carole Kelly.
Kelly teaches couples to explore their use of their love language to better communicate their love to each other and avoid the communication problems that can damage their relationship.
What’s Your Primary Love Language?
An individual’s love language is made up primarily of one of the five different modalities that Dr. Chapman describes, with a few shades of one or two of the others.
“What you give to someone (in your primary way of loving) is what you want back for yourself,” Kelly says.
Communication problems arise between couples when each one’s primary love language is different from the other’s. For example if one believes in gift giving, and the other prefers physical touch, or one person needs words of affirmation but his partner ‘speaks’ in acts of service.
Unless each partner can understand what his own emotional needs are, reflected in his primary love language, as well as recognising the emotional needs of his partner, each will feel hurt and believe that his partner doesn’t love him.
Look at the list below, and discover what your primary love language is.
Quality Time Together
The couple enjoys each other’s company, doing things together such as going for walks, watching movies together, sharing meals, hobbies and activities that bring them physically together.
Physical Touch
This is not sex! It is all the other physical ways of showing affection – kisses, cuddles, holding hands, snuggling up - always touching the one you love.
Gift Giving
It doesn’t have to be a diamond ring. In fact, for the gift giver, small, surprise gifts have greater emotional value than big ticket items on set occasions. Little things, like a bunch of flowers from your garden, or an amusing item picked up in a charity shop become tokens of affection.
Acts of Service
Often these are help with the housework, such as washing up after a big meal, or cleaning the bath, but Kelly says they need not be limited to chores. They involve some self-sacrifice – for example, staying in a job you dislike because it helps pay the mortgage, or accompanying your partner to a concert or film that he really wants to see when you’d rather be home with a book.
Words of Affirmation
While lovers often say ‘I love you’, sometimes this is not enough. It’s a real boost to your confidence to also hear how much someone appreciates you, that you’ve done a great job, and to receive praise. Affirmative people give words to their praise and admiration.
Talking it Through
Once you’ve identified your primary love language, try to recognise your partner’s language. To do this, ask yourself ‘What did he do that let me know he loved me?’.
If you find that you and your partner speak in different love languages, do something about it, Kelly advises.
“You need to express to them that it’s not fulfilling enough,” she says. “They need to know that you’re not ‘hearing’ their love, and they also need to opportunity to tell you, if you don’t ‘speak’ their language.”
See also: What's Your Love Language?
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