Does your partner speak your love language? When partners don't share the same emotional language, poor communication can block the way to happiness.

Each of us has a ‘love language’ – the unique way you express your love for a special person. At the same time, your love language shows the other person your emotional needs that must be met to make you happy in the relationship.

The concept of the Love Language was developed by the internationally respected marriage and family life expert,Dr Gary Chapman, in his book, The Five Love Languages.

He describes the five different ways we express love and want to receive it as:

• Quality time together

• Physical touch

• Gifts

• Acts of service

• Words of Affirmation

The problem for couples is that very often each partner is not really clear about their own love language, let alone understands their partner’s language, says Australian relationship counsellor, Carole Kelly.

Kelly teaches couples to explore their use of their love language to better communicate their love to each other and avoid the communication problems that can damage their relationship.

What’s Your Primary Love Language?

An individual’s love language is made up primarily of one of the five different modalities that Dr Chapman describes, with a few shades of one or two of the others.

“What you give to someone (in your primary way of loving) is what you want back for yourself,” Kelly says.

Communication problems arise between couples when each one’s primary love language is different from the other’s. For example if one believes in gift giving, and the other prefers physical touch, or one person needs words of affirmation but their partner ‘speaks’ in acts of service.

Unless they can understand what their own emotional needs are, reflected in their primary love language, as well as recognising the emotional needs of their partner, each will feel hurt and believe that their partner doesn’t love them.

Look at the list below, and discover what your primary love language is.

• Quality Time Together

The couple enjoy each other’s company, doing things together such as going for walks, watching movies together, sharing meals, hobbies and activities that bring them physically together.

• Physical Touch

This is not sex! It is all the other physical ways of showing affection – kisses, cuddles, holding hands, snuggling up - always touching the one you love.

• Gift Giving

It doesn’t have to be a diamond ring, and in fact, for the gift giver, small, surprise gifts have greater emotional value than big ticket items on set occasions. Little things, like a bunch of flowers from your garden, or an amusing item picked up in a charity shop become tokens of affection.

• Acts of Service

Often these are help with the housework, such as washing up after a big meal, or cleaning the bath, but Kelly says they need not be limited to chores. They involve some self-sacrifice – for example, staying in a job you dislike because it helps pay the mortgage, or accompanying your partner to a concert or film that they really want to see when you’d rather be home with a book.

• Words of Affirmation

While lovers often say ‘I love you’, sometimes this is not enough. It’s a real boost to your confidence to also hear how much someone appreciates you, that you’ve done a great job, and to receive their praise. Affirmative people give words to their praise and admiration.

Talking it Through

Once you’ve identified your primary love language, try to recognise your partner’s language. To do this, ask yourself ‘what did they do that let me know they loved me?’.

If you find that you and your partner speak in different love languages, do something about it, Kelly advises.

“You need to express to them that it’s not fulfilling enough,” she says.

“They need to know that you’re not ‘hearing’ their love, and they also need to opportunity to tell you, if you don’t ‘speak’ their language.”