Intimate Friendship Starts with Communication
The Woman of His Dreams Can Communicate Effectively with Him
Feb 26, 2009
Christian women who want to initiate intimate friendship in marriage need to provide their husbands with an environment that encourages communication, according to author Sharon Jaynes in Becoming the Woman of His Dreams: Seven Qualities Every Man Longs For [Harvest House, 2005]. True intimacy in marriage is a deep friendship that extends well beyond the bedroom. It is a friendship that is borne of intimately knowing who a person is and still loving him or her. Men long for a friendship with their wives where they are accepted and loved for who they are, Jaynes says. Intimate friendship starts with effective communication.
Communication in Marriage
While much has been written about the different ways men and women communicate, Jaynes says there is more to it than simply trying to speak in a way the other person understands. Effective communication in marriage does start with communicating in a way he understands and a time that is suitable for listening. And she says wives do need to understand that men prefer to get to the facts quicker and like to solve problems. But that does not mean that men don’t want to communicate with their wives. In fact, Jaynes’ surveys with men show men long for the intimacy in marriage that encourages open communication.
Intimate Friendship with Husbands
Despite the fact that men may not generally enjoy lengthy chats, a wife may find that occasionally her husband is willing to talk more openly. Men who feel that they are safe and not being judged will open a door to their hearts and share with their wives. When wives react with silence, unsolicited advice or judging the door will be closed and husbands may be less likely to share their innermost thoughts and feelings. It is important for wives who want a deeper connection with their husbands to listen effectively when he is willing to share.
How to Communicate Effectively
Wives can encourage deeper communication and intimate friendship by listening with their whole bodies. Listening with her eyes means she actually looks at her husband when he is speaking. Just as a woman wants her husband to put down the remote and look at her when she speaks, men want to know they are heard.
Listening with her ears means she hears what he says, instead of letting his words go in one ear and out the other. Listening with her facial expressions, means she does not roll her eyes when he speaks, but has a respectful and interested facial expression.
How to Ask Effective Questions
In addition to having a “yes” face that shows her husband she is open to what he is saying, wives can learn to ask questions that draw out more information and keep the communication lines open. Questions that can be answered with yes or no allow the conversation to end. Thoughtful questions that require a longer answer can lead to greater sharing.
Communication Techniques for Wives
“As soon as you begin to give unsolicited advice or judge his actions, the wall will go up and the opportunity to initiate intimate friendship through listening will slip away,” Jaynes warns. A wife who listens with her lips thinks before she speaks, doesn’t interrupt and doesn’t say judgmental things that will close down communication. She asks open-ended questions that encourage him to continue speaking. A wife is listening with her mind when she asks good follow-up questions.
A Christian Wife Learns to Listen
In addition to listening to what her husband says, a Christian wife listens with her heart when she tries to hear the feelings her husband is expressing. She creates an atmosphere where he understands his feelings won’t be shared with others and he is safe in trusting his heart to her. “The more we listen with our hearts, the more they will speak from their hearts,” Jaynes counsels wives. Husbands will share their hearts and build an intimate friendship with wives who make them feel safe to share.
Women who take the time to listen effectively with their whole bodies will find their husbands are more likely to share a deeper level of communication with them. Intimate friendships are created between spouses who are willing to share of themselves and open to each other’s hearts. For more information about Becoming the Woman of His Dreams, read The Woman of His Dreams Is a Respectful Wife and An Adoring Wife is the Woman of His Dreams.
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