Loving and Being Loved Through Gift Giving

Gifts Can be the Most Meaningful Way to Express Love in a Marriage

Sep 4, 2009

For those who communicate love to their spouse by giving and receiving gifts, material possessions can have many immaterial qualities.

The Five Love Languages [Northfield Publishing, 1995], a New York Times Bestseller by Dr. Gary Chapman, outlines five ways that people communicate and receive love with one another. They are:

When it comes to Giving and Receiving Gifts, Dr. Chapman discusses his time studying anthropology. He found that in every culture he studied, gift giving was a fundamental part "of the love-marriage process."

For those who speak this love language more fluently than the others, giving gifts is a gesture to show someone that you were thinking of them. Receiving gifts means that someone had done the same. Dr. Chapman refers to the feelings associated with the various languages of love, such as gift giving, as a "love tank."

Giving and Receiving Gifts Helps Keep the Love Tank Full

The love tank that is discussed in The Five Love Languages is a system of deposits and withdrawals that people use – consciously or unconsciously – in their relationships.

In the case of a person giving or receiving gifts to his or her spouse, physical reminders of a loved one's thoughts mean a great deal, and can be very fulfilling.

When people's love tanks are filled, they can easily afford to allow withdrawals by way of doing things that their spouse desires, such as going for a walk, giving a massage, or telling them how good they look in a new suit or dress.

Filling a spouse's love tank is very important for any marriage. Luckily, the only constraints are those that a person places upon himself.

What Gift Giving Means to Those Who Give and Receive Love in This Manner

One common misconception of those who speak this love language is that they are materialistic. The truth is that it is quite the opposite.

People with a lustful desire for possessions are not often the kinds of people that express love in this manner. Those who give and receive love by giving and receiving gifts value any gift that has shown a person is thinking of them. And while an engagement ring, new clothes, and a boat are all great gifts, not all gifts are material.

A gift can be a new baby, poems, songs, or a card made from a piece of scrap paper with hearts cut into it. Being there for someone in a time of need can be a gift that transcends all others.

Gift Giving by Those Who do Not Normally Give Gifts

Some people are not gift givers. It could be because of not having received many growing up, or because of budget restrictions.

Those with spouses that give and receive love in this manner are going to have to make an adjustment. Either one spouse will compromise in not feeling loved, or the other can become fluent in a second love language, as most people in relationships do.

The Cost of Gift Giving

Some people are going to have to traverse rough waters adjusting to this form of expression, especially those on strict budgets. While many gifts can come from an already existing budget, such as giving a stay-at-home parent a break by bringing home pizza one night, and others can be free, such as picking a flower out of the garden, many gifts come at a monetary expense.

For those who feel that they cannot afford to give gifts, even small ones, a simple risk analysis of how a relationship will go when one partner feels empty and unloved should bring them to the conclusion that they cannot afford not to give gifts.

For those who have become disenchanted by materialism, it can be confusing when their spouse expresses a desire for gifts. However, art, music, education, family, and matrimony get to the very heart and soul of the matter. Taking a day off from work, while also being a means of spending quality time together, can be a tremendous gift to a spouse who desires the time and affection of his or her partner.

Material objects like candy, jewelry, power tools, and high-speed Internet connections are important gifts if they are important to someone in the relationship. But, again, people who feel loved in this manner, do so not because of the cost of what they have received, but because of its value.

Giving is a central concept when it comes to giving and receiving love. If love had a body, giving would be the heart and soul, and that is why this form of communicating is so important.

The copyright of the article Loving and Being Loved Through Gift Giving in Marital Communication is owned by Christopher Pascale. Permission to republish Loving and Being Loved Through Gift Giving in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.