When a couple is courting, the success of this process correlates with how successfully they merge their beliefs, expectations and communication code. The new couple must begin to construct a new reality, and once married C.J. Sager, author of Marriage Contracts and Couple Therapy, [Bruner/Mazel,1976], calls it the marital reality.
- People come into their relationships with expectations they picked up from their own families, from their immediate culture and from the media.
- Often these expectations are very different, but if a couple is to be successful, they must create from these expectations, order and cohesiveness.
As time passes and conversations are had, couples learn which expectations are compatible but not so important and which are compatible and crucial to the marriage bond. Not acknowledging your spouse's expectations may undermine the bond between you and create alienation.
- When you talk with your partner you both influence each others beliefs and how the other thinks and feels. T. Stephen in his article “Divergent Views on the Role of Communication" in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, (1985), says communication functions “...as a persuasive force which shapes an emergent couple reality…”
Merging Your Identities
"Each partner must match to some degree each other's view of reality", say authors P.L. Berger & H. Kellner in Marriage and the Construction of Reality, [Aldine Publishing ,1974]. Failing to mirror enough of each other's values and beliefs often creates conflict and barriers in the marital relationship.
If you are resistant to accepting your partner's views and perceptions, perhaps you should examine how open you believe he is to yours. Couples need to find ways to talk about these issues, because in a real sense communication is the life force of any relationship.
Communication Codes
Communicating is crucial in all your interactions. But when misunderstandings occur, it could be that one simply doesn't hear what the other person is saying. When people communicate using a different style than the other, it is very much like speaking another language.
Direct and Indirect Communication
If your intent is to relay information and get to the point, you may not take into consideration how your words affect the person you are speaking to. This style of communication is considered direct, according to Deborah Tannen, author of Talking From 9 to 5 [Harper, 1994]. And this style of communicating, to some, can often appear to be cold or rude.
Conversely, if your style is indirect, aside from communicating ideas and thoughts you also try not to alienate the person you're communicating with. But to someone who is direct, your ideas and thoughts often get lost by communicating either too much or too subtly.
Resolving Communication Problems
- Recognize everyone has a unique way of communicating.
- Trust that the other person means no harm.
- Ask the other person what he thinks he heard you say.
- Paraphrase to the other what you think she's said.
- If the conversation becomes heated, take a time out and give it a rest.
Combining Your Communication Styles
In the successful marriage, both partners have an understanding of how they communicate and both have respect for a way of communicating that might differ from their own. If seen from a practical point of view, both styles of communicating have their advantages. But unfortunately, according to Deborah Tannen, couples have a tendency to negatively judge each other's communication style if it's different from their own.
For more information on communicating see Tips For Talking and Marital Conflict Negotiation.
