The Five Love Languages

Knowing a Person's Love Language is Vital to Healthy Communication

Sep 3, 2009

The five love languages, as expressed by Dr. Gary Chapman, are words of affirmation, quality time, giving and receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

According to the book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate [Northfield Publishing, 1995], Dr. Gary Chapman began his quest to find the ways in which couples attempt to communicate their feelings, or lack thereof, to one another.

In his search, Chapman found that people generally express themselves in five ways:

Making Deposits and Withdrawals in Relationships

Dr. Chapman also discusses what he refers to as a "love tank" that has a system of deposits and withdrawals. When a person feels loved, he or she is receiving a deposit. When that same person feels unappreciated, he or she is being withdrawn from.

Too many withdrawals can leave someone with an empty tank, and the person who has regularly taken more than he or she has given will not likely be communicated to in the most preferable manner from a romantically-insolvent partner.

Words of Affirmation – Compliments Complement a Relationship

Encouraging, kind words can go a long way with many people. Most people like to hear nice things, but it does not exactly "do it" for them. The "it" is fill the love tank.

For those that do feel loved from this form of communication, Words of Affirmation can vary between simple compliments as "this dinner is great," "you look very beautiful today," or "when you say you're going to do something, I know it'll get done." Statements such as these can leave partners riding high, replaying the event in their mind and feeling the residual deposits (dividends) enter their love tank.

Quality Time is time focused on something that the person whose language this is feels is important. For example, a man who wants to spend quality time with his wife and children might want to spend the day fishing or at a ball game.

Some partners might want quality time together that is as simple as talking while they wash dishes or organize a closet.

The partner that primarily speaks and hears this love language should have at least an equal say in how time is spent together. Watching movies together, eating dinner in a restaurant, going for a long walk, sitting on a porch swing, and going to the mall are all forms of spending quality time together.

Dr. Chapman would not describe love making as Quality Time because it's in the Physical Touch category, but if that's how a person wishes to spend time with his or her partner, then being intimate can be a form of spending quality time together just as some may think of intimacy as a gift.

Gifts – A Commonly Misunderstood Love Language

Dr. Chapman refers to this language as Receiving Gifts, but it could also be referred to as Giving and Receiving Gifts.

When people attend marriage seminars on The Five Love Languages, this area can be confusing for some. While it is true that a future wife would be endeared by a fine engagement ring, she would feel just as compelled to lavish gifts on her future husband.

People who feel loved and appreciated by getting exactly what they want for their birthday are usually more sensitive to gifts that other people they love desire. Gift giving is a very sincere form of communicating one's love and admiration, and should not be thought of as mere materialism.

Acts of Service – What Have you Done for me Lately?

When a partner feels refreshed upon finding a clean house, or knowing that he or she does not have to give the children a bath because it's already done, it is likely that this person is either stressed out, or speaks the language of Acts of Service.

And just as this group feels loved when things are done for them, they convey love in the same manner by doing the laundry, fixing things around the house, and making nice meals.

Interestingly enough, a man who takes his family out to dinner knowing that his wife has had a very hectic day would be committing an act of service. Some people could think of this as quality time with the family while others would consider this a gift.

The languages of love are open to interpretation, and can be received in many ways.

Physical Touch – It's More Intimate to be Close

Many people initially think their love language is Physical Touch. The reason is because they enjoy love making, but that is only one aspect of this language.

People who speak and hear this language primarily actually feel loved (receiving deposits) when their partner sits close to them while watching a movie, holds hands on a long walk, or kisses them.....perhaps any time of the day.

While a kiss might make for some promised excitement to some, those who feel loved most in this manner may interpret it to mean even more.

This is also why it can be so devastating to partners who speak this language when their mate commits adultery. Rather than engaging in lapsed judgment, or an act of passion, their partner chose to express love to another person in the way that it means most to the offended party.

Understanding the languages of love, and which one one's partner speaks and hears most, is vital to healthy communication.

While two partners will likely have two different primary love languages, it is very easy for people to express love when they understand their partner. Those who prefer serving others can very easily give compliments, gifts, time, or affection to their spouses. Sometimes, the best way to know how to do this most effectively is to ask one's partner, "what can I do for you everyday that will make you feel special?"

The answer could change daily. If it does, so be it. It is a small price to pay for a lifetime of great love.

The copyright of the article The Five Love Languages in Marital Communication is owned by Christopher Pascale. Permission to republish The Five Love Languages in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.