Verbal abuse takes many forms. According to Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship, (Holbrook, MA: Adams Media Corporation. 1992.), it includes blame, criticism, countering, withholding connection, discounting, undermining, ordering, threatening, denial and abusive anger. In an intimate relationship, the majority of verbal abusers appear to be male.
While many people occasionally blame or criticize, for example, in verbal abuse there is a continual assault of blame and criticism on the victim. Verbal abuse is a way of exerting power over a partner and denying her individuality.
What is Verbal Abuse?
Patricia Evans has surveyed and spoken to thousands of verbal abusers and their partners. She claims the verbal abuser defines his victim by projecting motives and intentions onto her behavior without really knowing whether they are accurate. Telling another person, repeatedly, that she is selfish, is trying to start a fight, does not know what she is doing, is making a big deal out of nothing, is to deny the partner’s reality and tell her how she feels and thinks. It is not uncommon for an abuser to have explosive outbursts of temper as well.
The abuse is usually only directed at a partner and possibly, the children as well. Verbal abuse rarely occurs until a couple marries, begins living together, or has a child, all events that increase commitment in the relationship. It almost never occurs in the presence of outsiders.
The frequency and severity of abuse increase gradually, so the partner of an abuser often grows accustomed to the behavior and tends not to question it. Verbal abuse can occur in a relationship can escalate into physical violence.
According to Evans in her book, Controlling People, (Holbrook MA: Adams Media Corporation: 2003.), verbal abusers commonly were taught as children to deny many feelings, being told things such as, “That didn’t hurt,” or “you have nothing to cry about.” Male verbal abusers have a tendency to ascribe ideal feminine attributes to their partners and feel threatened when the spouse acts out of the character they have projected onto her.
How Verbal Abuse Harms
Repeatedly being defined and criticized by a spouse one has grown to trust, leads the partner to continual self-assessment and wondering how her behavior has been interpreted in a way so different than her intentions. This intense confusion after interacting with a spouse is often the partner’s first clue that something is wrong.
Dealing with a spouse’s outbursts of temper, stony silences and frequent criticisms condition the victim of verbal abuse. Evans, in Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out (Holbrook, MA: Adams Media Corporation. 1993), says many victims find themselves carefully considering the most routine actions to avoid incurring their spouse’s disapproval. The partner becomes hyper-vigilant, “walking on eggshells.”
In Controlling People, Evans points out that continually being told what she thinks and what her intentions really are is a form of psychic attack on the partner by the verbal abuser. Only she really knows what she thinks and feels. This denial of her reality can cause the partner to develop depression, posttraumatic stress disorder, and immune system problems.
Children of a verbally abusive relationship tend to learn the verbally abusive behavior. Often the children are verbally abused as well and learn to deny their own feelings. This can cause them to perpetuate the problem with their own families.
References
Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Holbrook, MA: Adams Media Corporation, 1992.
Evans, Patricia. Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out. Holbrook, MA: Adams Media Corporation, 1993.
Evans, Patricia. Controlling People. Holbrook, MA: Adams Media Corporation, 2003.
Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Male: Can He Change? Holbrook, MA: Adams Media Corporation, 2006
Forward, Susan and Torres, Joan. Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them. New York, NY: Bantam. 1986.
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